No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
