I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
