She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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