i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
