I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
