I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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