I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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