just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
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Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
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What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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