i think my tv is drunk
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
