So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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