i was born a porn star she said
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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