Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
