So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
