I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
