tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
