oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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