I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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