chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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