I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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