she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
