There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
