Sry I called you an 8
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
