if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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