Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
