just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
