The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
