I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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