Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
