the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
