did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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