I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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