why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Can Purell be used as lube?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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