Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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