I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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