Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
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Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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