I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
