please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My pussy is not your playground.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
