Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
