someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
