so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
