Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
