i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Come on in and take your pants off
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