I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
