I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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