You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
