i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
