remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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