you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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