I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
this boner is exhausting
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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