i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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