Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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