when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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